Women's Blog

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My best friend from college (who later was my maid of honor) and I had a fall out three years ago. After 13 years of friendship, she completely shut down and stopped speaking to me. My moving out of state, her moving to another state, my having a baby, and her career taking off all converged into a perfect storm triggering the split. 

Six months ago, I felt I was better able to give her the attention she deserved, and sent her an apology/olive branch letter, and a gift (timed with her birthday), and she e-mailed back accepting me into her life, and admitting being less patient with me after I had the baby. 

Over the last six months she barely responds to e-mails, including an invitation to talk on the phone for 10 minutes (this was a few weeks ago). She has begun moving in social circles involving high society and quasi-celebrities, and I can kind of see some of the things that broke us apart initially. However, now that I am on her Facebook list, and her fan page, I feel like I will be the evil one now if I don't give HER the same patience I very much needed once upon a time. 

How do I continue without getting hurt? I'm visiting her state in a few months, and frankly I don't even want to tell her I'll be around, for fear of rejection or nonresponsiveness.

Signed,

Cissy 

ANSWER

Hi Cissy,

Your college friend seems to have morphed into what I call a "legacy friend" (a friend from the past with little currency in the present). While you have a rich history that spanned over 13 years, your lives have taken different directions and this often makes it difficult to keep a friendship going. 

The initial fall out may have been the result of a perfect storm but ongoing circumstances, such as geography and lifestyle differences, are still conspiring to maintain social distance between you. 

If your friend's unresponsive, back off a little and give her some space. Be more forgiving and take it less personally. Let her know you'll be in town if she's available (and you want to see her) but don't get upset if she has other commitments. 

Perhaps, it would be worthwhile to have an explicit conversation about how maintain the friendship so it fits into your current lives in a way that is comfortable for both of you. Even though you're no longer as close as you once were, you've patched up the acute problem, and can still share a long and rich history---hopefully with occasional opportunities to catch up in person, by phone and/or by email.

Hope this helps!

Best,

Irene

Do you have legacy friends? How do you keep the friendship alive?

In the course of my own research on female friendships, I serendipitously found the perfect mentor to teach me about male friendships and the differences between the two: Geoffrey Greif, DSW, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of the new book, Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships (Oxford University Press, 2008).

Dr. Greif studied 386 men and 122 women, whom he interviewed in depth about their definitions of friendship, how they made friends, how they maintained them, and whether they had ever lost friends. These questions and answers represent just a few of the lessons he learned and that he shares in greater detail in his excellent book:

Q: How do male and female friendships differ from one another?

Through listening to men and women and studying what they tell us about friendships, certain tenets about friendship can be cautiously put forth. We must be careful though about making sweeping generalizations about women’s friendships, just as we must be careful about making generalizations about men’s. Great diversity exists in the friendships of both genders---but:

• Women are more apt to say they have enough friends and that friends are important; they are less apt to say they didn’t have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family. Or, it could be as we have heard from some men: that they have a hard time connecting with other men in a way that is satisfying to them on a friendship level. They may feel they do not have enough must friends. (Grief uses four categories to describe friendships: must, trust, rust and just).
• Women are more apt to help each other than are men, by being supportive, encouraging, and “being there.” Men, on the other hand, are more apt to give their friends advice and offer their perspectives. Both mentioned the importance of listening and talking. Men tend to be fixers, and see getting something concrete accomplished as a way of helping, whereas women are more comfortable with emotional support, which sometimes involves listening without giving specific advice.
• When with friends, women spend more time shopping, going out to dine with them and going to the movies, as well as staying home with friends to cook or watch movies. Communication, as part of the relationship, is frequent for both women and men. Men, who gave fewer distinct responses to this question, are much more apt to be involved in sports-related activities, either as a participant or viewer.
• To make friends, women may reach out to others a bit more than men, and they are less concerned with finding commonalities as a basis for friendships. Men mention sports more often than women as a basis for making friends. To feel comfortable, men may be slightly more apt to need a socially acceptable arena for having a friendship begin, like a similar hobby or sports. This would be a shoulder-to-shoulder approach to friendships, as opposed to women perhaps feeling slightly more comfortable making friends without a specific activity or commonality being at the center of the friendship.
• To maintain a friendship, women put a much greater value on frequent contact than men. Men often mention being able to pick up again with a friend after little contact, whereas women place a greater value on staying in touch. Women appear to need more communication in general than men. Emotional connection is important to them, and it is often manifested by staying in frequent contact.
• Women are more apt to lose friends and more apt to try to get them back than are men. We have learned already that men are often less concerned about slights than women and so they may be slightly less apt to lose a friend because of someone’s behavior.

Q: How are male and female friendships similar?

• The words used to define friendships are similar. Being understood, trust, dependability, and loyalty are key features of friendships for both genders.
• The percentage of people who said they had a friend of the opposite sex is similar.
• The importance of friends, although slightly higher for women, is very high for both men and women.
• Women and men both make friends through their spouses and significant others.
• Women’s friendships can also be effectively grouped using the must, trust, just,and rust categories. These categories of friendships are discussed in depth in the book and help us understand our relationships with friends.

Q: What can men learn from female friendships?

Men can learn that physical and emotional expressiveness can exist in a friendship without it meaning that a man is gay. Women are much less concerned about this level of expressiveness than are men who often pull back from other men. Men are socialized to compete with and not pursue other men as friends. Unless it is sports, music, or war, emulating men, having a “crush” on them, and being physically close, is not universally acceptable.

Q: What can women learn from female friendships?

Men tend to have less complicated friendships than women. Some women, when directly asked, said they wished their relationships were more upfront and less emotionally demanding. They like the fact that men are able to resolve differences more quickly and move on.

“Cultural relevance is key,” cautions Dr. Greif. “Different sub-groups in America view friendships, women’s and men’s roles, and community connectiveness in vastly divergent ways. Anything that can be learned from men or women must be understood within such a context.”

In your own experience, which friendships do you think are stronger or more meaningful, male or female? Who takes the gold and who takes the silver?

More than a decade ago, Kappa Delta Sorority created Friendship Day and then turned it into a month-long celebration of friendship called, National Women's Friendship Month. The month of September also marks the anniversary of the publication of my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend so I hope you'll celebrate with me. 

In the book, there is a list of ways in which you can become a "keeper" (adapted in part below). Can you help me update and add to the list? What are the qualities of someone who is a "keeper" in your book? Post a comment below. 

As a thank you, I would love to send two posters their choice of either a personally inscribed copy of my print book or a copy of the e-book (the choice is up to them). I will select the two readers who add the best suggestion in the comments section on or before September 30, 2011. You can post as many times as you like. 

The list offers some reminders of the ways in which each of us can strengthen these vital ties by being a better friend. 

25 Ways to Make Yourself a Keeper

1. If you make a promise, live up to that promise.
2. Be punctual, dependable, and reliable.
3. Show up when she needs you.
4. Be yourself. Who else can you be?
5. Accept that you are human and make mistakes. Apologize if you have said or done something wrong.
6. Accept that she is human and may make mistakes. Offer forgiveness.
7. Try not to moan too much.
8. Don't be guilty of giving out too much information (TMI) about yourself too soon.
9. Be loyal and trustworthy. Resist the urge to gossip or spread rumors about your friend.
10. Be a good listener, tune in to what your friend is saying, and try not to interrupt.
11. Let your friend know you are interested in her and make sure everything isn't about you.
12. Give her enough space so she doesn't feel boxed in.
13. Accept that you won't always be on the same page because you are two different people.
14. Be willing to make sacrifices and compromise.
15. Be a comfort blanket but don't smother her.
16. Remember if she detests olives in her salad or anchovies on her pizza.
17. Resist saying "I told you so" even if you did.
18. If she has three sick kids, offer to help out.
19. Don't sleep with her boyfriend or be overly flirtatious with her husband.
20. Share her successes and find ways to celebrate them.
21. Don't brag too much when she's feeling down.
22. Don't let too much time elapse between get-togethers.
23. Don't be shy about letting her know when her behavior is endangering her health or is likely to have other adverse consequences.
24. Don't harp and constantly remind her of her bad habits.
25. Let her know how much you value her friendship.

In friendship,

Irene

This blog originally appeared on Irene Levine's Blog: The Friendship Blog. 

Like many close friendships, the one between Julia Child and Avis DeVoto was borne of serendipity. These two women met across the miles (in an era long before Facebook or LinkedIn) yet formed an instant bond-curiously, over a sharp carbon steel knife. 

By 1952, Julia and her husband Paul had been living in Paris for three and a half years. He was a diplomat assigned to the United States Information Agency in Paris. While they were there, Julia fell in love with classical French cooking and enrolled at the legendary Le Cordon Bleu to study with master chefs. 

She also joined an exclusive women's club, called Le Cercle des Gourmette, where she and two other members hatched the idea of starting an informal cooking school for American women living in Paris. These small steps would ultimately lead to the publication of 10 books and 329 television shows, establishing Julia's iconic status in culinary history. 

But well before Julia had legions of admirers of her own, she wrote a fan letter to Bernard DeVoto, a noted author and historian in Cambridge Massachusetts, who was also a respected columnist for Harper's Magazine. An article DeVoto had written about the disappointing performance of stainless steel kitchen knives in America captured her interest. The budding chef strongly agreed with his contention that the knives failed to maintain their cutting edge. Along with her letter of several paragraphs, she sent him a small carbon paring knife from Paris and offered to purchase others if he liked it. The letter began like this: 

Dear Mr. de Voto:

Your able diatribe against the beautiful-beautiful-rust-proof-edge-proof American kitchen knife so went to my heart that I cannot refrain from sending you this little nice French model as a token of appreciation... 

Avis DeVoto typically handled much of her busy husband's correspondence so she was the one who wrote back to this stranger, at some length, confessing her own interest in cooking and cutlery. Her gracious and engaging response kindled a remarkable correspondence that continued until 1961, the same year the first volume of Mastering the Art of French Cooking was published. Over nine years, between 1952 and 1961, the two women wrote 400 letters to each other - lengthy ones by today's standards, in which a growing number of people communicate in tweets of 140-characters or less. 

Julia and Avis met in person for the first time in Paris, two years and 120 letters after they first became acquainted. Over that time period, their relationship had gone from one of being total strangers to intimate soul mates. This transformation is especially relevant today when people question whether virtual friends we meet through the internet and social media can become real ones. 

For three decades, these letters remained sealed in the Schlesinger Library in Cambridge, Massachusetts. But in her book, As Always, Julia (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2010) culinary historian and biographer Joan Reardon has carefully curated and edited this treasure trove of personal correspondence, one that Julia and Avis probably never dreamed would be made public or would interest anyone else. 

The letters provide the backstory for the long path leading to the publication of Child's groundbreaking cookbook and offer an unparalleled window into the culture and history of the 50s and 60s, especially as experienced by women. As importantly, the tête-à-tête between two articulate, intelligent, and sophisticated women proffers insight into the essential ingredients of a long and intimate friendship. 

Here are some of the lessons about best friends that can be distilled from Julia and Avis's letters: 

• The relationship between two best friends eludes precise definition  

Talking to someone who is best-friend-worthy is almost effortless, like the friendship that blossomed between Julia and Avis. Avis wrote to Julia: "I feel that I can communicate more readily and freely with you than anyone in the world." When two women truly connect, it's almost as if they can communicate in code and they rarely run out of things to say. And if they do run out, they feel perfectly comfortable being silent, as in a comfortable marriage.  

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook, 2009) to find out what made women best friends, a large number of them repeated the same phrase, "We just clicked." This was true with Julia and Avis. After Avis's first note, banter came easily and the two were never at a loss for words.  

Although both women were married (Avis had children while Julia didn't), they both cherished having a close friend apart from their husbands. Women can talk more easily to each other than they can to men on a host of subjects and Julia and Avis' letters bear testimony. They had frank discussions covering aging, girdles, Kinsey's research on sex, and the then risqué novel Peyton Place. 

• Best friends can trust each other  

Friendships need nurturance. There is always the risk of divulging too much information---TMI---too soon. But if someone is so private that she doesn't share parts of herself, it can create an impenetrable barrier preventing friends from getting close. Appropriately, the first letters between Julia and Avis are more formal and focus on cookery.  

Over time, however, the two women begin to reveal more intimate details about their lives, including problems Avis was having with one of her sons, Gordon. She admitted he was a "difficult child," and a cause of concern to both his parents. Women who are close are able to share feelings, be forthright, and admit that life isn't always perfect. Julia wrote: "...it is lovely to be perfectly at ease, and to be able to discuss anything at all, and may it ever remain so!"  

When Julia sent Avis her still preliminary cookbook manuscript for review, she pleaded with her: "And please be frank and brutal." She knew she ran a risk by sharing recipes that might be pilfered but by then Julia had sufficient trust in her friend's judgment and discretion. Similarly, Avis was comfortable giving her honest critique. 

• Shared interests create strong ties between friends  

Whether writing in longhand or typing on onionskin paper that slowly meandered across the ocean, these two extraordinary women conversed about publishing, politics and world events. Because they shared a passion for cooking, they exchanged recipes, cooking techniques, and tips about tools. They also mailed each other little gifts or items hard to find on one continent or the other. Even far apart, they were often in each other's thoughts.  

Julia wrote: "How nice it is that one can come to know someone just through correspondence and become a really passionate friend." There was ongoing chatter about parties, get-togethers, and people they both knew - tossed in with some juicy gossip about notable people. Through the constant exchange of information, they developed a shared history that became a strong foundation for the friendship. 

• Best friends support, encourage and console each other  

Avis was one person that Julia was able to vent to about low advances, sloppy copyediting, contentious co-authors, and indecisive publishers (things of the past, of course). Without Avis's encouragement, Julia might have given up her dream of ever completing the book. At one point, when she was particularly discouraged, Julia wrote her: "We must accept the fact that this may well be a book unacceptable to any publisher, as it requires work on the part of the reader. NOBODY has ever wanted to publish ANY of our recipes in any publication whatsoever thus far."  

In another letter, Julia wrote: "...I am deeply depressed, gnawed by doubts, and feel that all our work may just lay a big rotten egg." Yet, Julia remained undeterred despite a string of rejections from book publishers and magazine editors, because Avis was there as her most ardent supporter, willing to share the publishing connections she had made through her husband. Perhaps, more than anyone, Avis clearly understood Julia's vision for the book from the start. In the acknowledgements section, Julia refers to her friend as the book's "foster mother, wet nurse, guide and mentor." 

• Best friendships are based on give and take among equals  

Julia and Avis had mutual respect and admiration. This sense of balance and equilibrium solidifies friendships. The same person isn't always on the giving end or receiving end. One person may be more needy at a particular point in time but overall a healthy relationship is one of equals. Avis was as much a partner in Julia's career as she was an inspiration. In today's parlance, the two might be seen as life coaches for each other.  

When Julia's manuscript was rejected, Avis felt the pain almost as deeply as her friend. When Avis husband passed away from a heart attack while on a business trip to New York, her friendship with Julia helped console her through the darkest hours. Avis wrote: "Your letters help so. They all do. Haven't had the time to feel hollow yet, still half-expect to see him coming through the door."  

Soon after Bernard DeVoto's death, the Childs embraced Avis by sending her airfare to join them on a three-week trip to London, Paris and Germany. 

• Best friendships need to be nurtured  

Even the best of friends can drift apart unless they consciously make time for each other. When their lives are busy or simply out of sync, women need to develop rituals to maintain their bonds: a girlfriend getaway, weekly lunch, or regular call. In this long-ago, long-distance relationship, snail mail provided a way for Julia and Avis to remain involved in each other's lives.  

In one letter, Julia wrote: "I suppose one reason we can write so easily to each other is that, for one, we have established the rhythm." After their initial meeting in Paris, the women visited each other from time to time and the Childs eventually relocated to Cambridge to be close to Avis.  

Another reason this friendship was so important to Julia was that being married to a diplomat, the couple relocated from place to place. They moved from the states to Paris, to Marseilles, to Bonne, to Oslo. When they were leaving Oslo, she wrote, "...At least this will be the last time we shall spend 2 years making a life, and then have to leave it again." Today, it is more likely than in the past for women to be mobile, moving to pursue educational and job opportunities, or to follow husbands and lovers. Any major life change---graduations, marriages, becoming a mother, geographic moves, career changes or divorce or widowhood--- increases the risk of a friendship drifting apart unless it is nurtured. 

The question frequently asked is: Can words, written or electronic, replace in-person contact? As Always, Julia shows how in some circumstances, they can. Ironically, Julia wrote: "Perhaps if we lived next door, we would have developed curtains and veils and various tender heels." 

The relationship between Julia and Avis is a compelling testimonial to the power of female friendship. Julia aptly summarizes that sentiment in one letter:

"All from one kitchen knife. It was a miracle, wasn't it? To think that we might easily have gone through life not knowing each other, missing all this free flow of love and ideas and warmth and sharing."

This blog originally appeared on Irene Levine's Blog: The Friendship Blog. 

If you've recently glanced at the travel section of any major newspaper, you may have noticed that girlfriend getaways are surging in popularity. A survey of more than 2000 women, conducted by the AAA Worldwide Travel and Aspire Marketing found that 24 percent of Americans have taken a women-only vacation in the past three years and 56 percent want to do so in the future.

Some have attributed the growth in women-only vacations to the "Sex & the City" phenomenon: Carrie and the girls of that iconic television series (and its movie sequels) remind women of the joys of sisterhood and sharing time together. As a result, women in all ranks of life—midlifers, empty nesters, singles, divorcees, widows, mothers, and working women—are recognizing the value of women-only vacations as a way to relax and recharge.

The rationale is compelling. Traveling with friends deepens bonds and creates shared memories. A growing body of research suggests, too, that close female friendships are like a "behavioral vaccine" that can bolster women's physical and emotional health.

If you are thinking about going away with your girlfriends, here are some considerations:  

1. Choose your tribe. It can be a few college roommates, the women in your book club, several cousins, or one best friend. (The average group size is 2-3 women). Select an individual or group to travel with whose company you enjoy, and with whom you can relax and be yourself.  If you can't stand being with someone over lunch or have the feeling someone may be a frenemy, don't even think about including her!  

2. Pick a time.  Women's lives are busy; they often juggle multiple roles and responsibilities. Once you decide who is coming, you need to figure out the best time for everyone to go. The more women in the group and the longer the trip, the more difficult it will be to carve out a time that works for everyone.  

3. Select your destination. According to the AAA/Aspire survey, the most common girlfriend getaways are beaches, spas, shopping destinations, and cruises. Decisions about destination, timing, and cost really go hand in hand. You want to make sure that the trip fits everyone's budget. Depending on circumstances and preferences, you may opt to go to a resort in-season to take advantage of the best weather or to go there off-season to take advantage of reduced prices; you may choose someplace exotic or close to home. When you've agreed on a destination, figure out one or two tentative times that work for everyone's schedule.  

4. Make the arrangements.  Once you've decided on a time and destination, one girlfriend usually needs to take the lead in doing the hard research to determine precise estimates of travel and accommodations, and to make the reservations. Remember, when people fork over a deposit, they are less likely to back out of a trip that may suddenly seem like a self-indulgent luxury.  

5. Stay flexible. As close as friends are, they are individuals with different styles. When people travel, some are more active and adventurous than others. Some get up early in the morning and others like to sleep in late. And some expect to sleep and dine in the lap of luxury while others are happier being frugal. Discuss your expectations before you go to avert disappointments and misunderstandings. Perhaps you can take that early morning bike ride while your friend sleeps in; or you can plan one big splurge dinner on the last night you're together; or two people can hit the mall while others play golf.

If you plan reasonably well, things tend to fall in place in the end. When good friends spend time together, where they go and what they do becomes secondary to having uninterrupted time to talk and relax.

This blog originally appeared on Irene Levine's Blog: The Friendship Blog. 

Everyone has self-doubts and insecurities from time to time. It’s common to worry about how we look, our performance at college or at work, or how others perceive us. Sometimes we may question whether we said or did the right thing in a specific situation -- or worry about something as minor as whether we picked the right pair of shoes to complement a little black dress.

Like most people, whenever I’m unsure about myself, I tend to ask a friend or close family member for a second opinion. A healthy dose of skepticism and uncertainty about ourselves is a good thing because it helps us make better decisions. No one knows everything or has perfect instincts, and having good friends on whom we can rely for advice helps improve our sense of self-confidence and make better decisions.

Here are five ways friends can help us gain self-confidence:

1) Friends cheer our successes

Whether it’s acing an exam or getting a promotion at work, our friends take pride in our achievements. “Way to go! I knew you would do it! “

2) Friends model new ways of being

Every friend has some strengths or skills that help us strive to do things a better way. We see a friend give a talk before a large group and win the favor of the audience, and wonder whether we might be able to do the very same thing.

3) Friends support our efforts to grow

Sometimes the biggest deterrent to accomplishing our goals is thinking that we can’t. Friends sometimes see strengths in us that we aren’t able to recognize ourselves and give us the encouragement to try something new or do something better.

4) Friends wipe away our tears

Everyone has failures or bumps along the road, whether it’s being dumped by a guy or losing a soccer tournament in a shootout. Friends help us deal with our mistakes – even big ones—helping us keep things in perspective. “He wasn’t good enough for you anyway.” “You were lucky to make it to the finals!” After a few laughs with a good friend, you may even forget what it was that was getting you down.

5) Friends teach us the value of teamwork

Alone we may be too timid or insecure to introduce our selves to new people or places, or too frightened to try something new or differently. But when we are working or playing alongside a friend, we suddenly see our energy and creativity blossom, enabling us to soar higher than we ever imagined.

The best part of close friendships is that the feelings are reciprocal: They share our dreams and we are able to do the very same thing for our friends as they do for us!

Bio: Irene S. Levine, PhD, is a psychologist who blogs as “The Friendship Doctor” on The Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and The Friendship Blog. She is the author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.

A recent Harris Interactive Poll commissioned by Hampton Hotels found that 43% of adults travel with a friend at least once a year and at least 74% prefer to take a road trip when they do. The survey also found that the most discussed aspect of a trip is deciding where to go (34%), followed by what to do (27%), and finally agreeing on the budget (14%).

For me, one of the best parts of traveling is sharing the experience with others: both the people traveling with me, and those I befriend along the way. So I was delighted that Hampton (part of Hilton worldwide) recently tapped me as a spokesperson to provide advice to them and their guests on traveling with friends. Here are some of the tips to strengthen the bonds of friendship and avoid unnecessary hassles; they may be timely during these last weeks of summer.

Don't Snooze When You Choose

Select your travel companions wisely and make sure they're people whose company you enjoy and with whom you feel comfortable and relaxed. Any vacation with friends offers the potential to bring you closer and to create shared memories that can last a lifetime.

First Class or Coach?

Talk costs upfront; some friends are more frugal than others. You may all covet lavish vacations but you're also realistically constrained by budgets. Let's be honest, it's a bit uncomfortable to talk about money. Being clear about any budget limitations will make the trip less stressful each time you have to reach for your wallet.

Pick a City, Any City

Where you travel depends on the friends, their tastes, their pocketbooks and the season. Decide if you want to expose yourself to new cultures with different foods and customs or just sit back, relax and enjoy your vacation.

Fail to Plan? Plan to Fail

Make sure you and your friend(s) are on the same wavelength about your destination and at least agree on a rough itinerary before you leave home. There's nothing worse than arriving at your destination and finding out on the first morning that you have vastly different expectations.

Personality Detours

Allow for flexibility when it comes to travel. No two people behave or think exactly the same way. It's okay to have different habits, lifestyles and ideas about travel as long as friends are flexible, respectful, and willing to compromise when you are together.

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether. 

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out? 

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her? 

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship? 

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions? 

ANSWER:

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind. 

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships. 

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes). 

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together! 

In the case of Friend # 2, she's realized it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship. 

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays. 

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel. 

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

Here are some simple tips to nip a new friendship in the bud or to sabotage an existing one:

1) Do it her way

Abrogate all responsibility for the friendship to your friend. Let her do all the planning---including where, when and what. When you do get together, don't initiate any conversation, or show interest or enthusiasm. Respond minimally, using as few words as possible, and only in response to direct questions.

2) Be humorless

Treat everything seriously. Contain any outward appearances of laughter or smiles when your friend says something funny.

3) Act entirely predictably

Never try anything new. Demand that you always do exactly the same things, in exactly the same ways, in exactly the same places. Never mix it up or expand your twosome. Why? You always did it that way.

4) Play the same tapes over and over

Repeat stories you've told before in exquisite detail. Avoid eye contact to be sure you aren't reminded that you did or interrupted. If yawning sets in, ignore it. If she tries to speak or ask a question, interrupt her.

5) Stay focused---on you

Talk only about yourself, what you have, and what you've done. Ask no questions and show no interest in your friend or in the larger world around you. Avoid real interaction by telling long-winded stories.

6) Skim the surface

Be sure all conversation remains impersonal and unimportant. Don't express feelings or discuss anything remotely meaningful. Focus only on the past; never the present.

7) Overstay your welcome

Ignore any signs of boredom. If you're at her house, stay as late as you can. If you're in a public place, stay until the owner or manager looks at you funny or seems headed to the door with a big ring of keys.

Any other ways you can positively ID a boring friend?

If you've wondered about this question, read Female Bullying, an article by Rachel Giese in the September 2010 issue of Flare Magazine. The piece covers the perennial, but disturbing, topic of adult women who have honed the art of what therapists have termed relational aggression. These mean girls may not fight with their fists but they can inflict terrible emotional pain on their targets.

Some of us have experienced firsthand the devastating hurt of being excluded from the lunch table at middle school. Others admit with some embarrassment that they've been at the other end of the stick---as one of the "cool kids" in middle or high school who has excluded some other poor soul because she looks, acts, or speaks differently. The scars of being bullied as a kid can be long-lasting and slow to heal. 

Unfortunately, some mean girls never grow up, continuing similar behaviors as adults. So the insidious practice of woman-on-woman bullying---often used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues---is common in the workplace. Similarly, stay-at-home moms are still victimized by frenemies and neighbors. They and their kids become the subject of gossip, and are systematically excluded from play dates, playgroups and birthday parties. This is a particularly pernicious form of bullying because it attacks not only a grown woman but also her child.